I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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