I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
