what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
