I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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