Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
