But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
