I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize