So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
