apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
