Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
