i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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