So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
