It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
