just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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