sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
