I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
