She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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