i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
