I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
