Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
