I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
