I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
