Are we in a gay sports bar?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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