Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
