I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
