I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
