i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
