my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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