I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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