This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
