at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
