The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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