I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize