I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
