I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
