Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
