Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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