I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
