I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
