i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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