I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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