Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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