I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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