I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
