Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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