the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Two words: nipple clamps
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