It's like God shit irony all over that family
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
