The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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