Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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