So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
