You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize