Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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