Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
