before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
