I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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