she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
