just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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