So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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