Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
