Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
