Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
